Having a random hookup so left but love u
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
