Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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