I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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