well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
