don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
