the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
