i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize