I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
