I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
worst night to have a conscience
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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