Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
