when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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