Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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