I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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