she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize