i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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