I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
