I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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