1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
