Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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