She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I need moral support for this bender
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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