If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
