Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
