I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
