i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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