sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
