All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
