Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
sex in a hospital.. check
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
