i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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