Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
