Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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