I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
