life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize