my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
