I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
