walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
