my mouth tastes like poor choices
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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