After last night, I could never be a politician.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
