I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
