seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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