my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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