please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
