Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
