i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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