Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just threw up on my dentist
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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