he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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