Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
