just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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