I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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