Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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