I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
