My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
