Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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