Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
