I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
