you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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