You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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