she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
