are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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