You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
