i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
