Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
