Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
