Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
