Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
