Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
